genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
