Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
