I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
