they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
