I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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