just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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