When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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