im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
