im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
