I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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