You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So squirting runs in the family.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
