Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
