good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
home. puking in laundry basket.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
