I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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