Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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