as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
