6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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