its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
