I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
