Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
