its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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