two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
