Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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