Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We named our party play list daddy issues
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My life is pants optional.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
