She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
