Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
