and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
