she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
