I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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