he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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