in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
