is your mom at the bar?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
