i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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