I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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