i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
