i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
