so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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