Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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