i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
