I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
