woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
