well I can't set my house on fire every night
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
