Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
