So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
