I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
