Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
