When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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