I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
