But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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