I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
this hospital has no fireball
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
