I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
