I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
True strength comes from lack of pants
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
