We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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